Tag: stress

I can do it with a Broken Brain?

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Life got tough (..er) for a while.

I am at my heaviest weight ever.

I can’t do it anymore like this.

I cannot live a life fuelled by sugar, caffeine, unhappiness and the belief that “tomorrow I’ll do better”.

It has to happen TODAY. Right now. This time, not later. What am I doing for me right now?

I can’t live with being stressed all the time. All the to-dos. I am TIRED of having so much to do. I DONE with then never doing it. And this constant vicious negative cycle in which I never rest but am not productive, and all the stress and self-hatred that comes with that way of living.

I want peace. I need to protect my peace, whilst getting *some* shit done.

I am sick of being late. Of being untidy. Of being unhealthy. Of being so ooverweight. Of being unfit. Disorganised. Stressed at work. Low-self esteem. Continual Exhaustion – procrastinating and never going to bed on-time (WHYYY I AM SO SICK OF IT). Procrastinating and stimming with damaging bad habits – and all the while, stressing about all the important things I should be doing. Panic packing my bag for travelling, close to missing transport, and being so annoyed I’ve left it all last minute AGAIN. Wishing I was someone else.

But I can do this. I will do this. I can be better.

It’s been a year since I’ve written here. I was in the midst of extended time in training, facing the next review to prove I had the potential to be the dependable, competent, team-working registrar – and all the extra work that comes with that (but that’s work “monitoring my progression”). I “passed” the review – but still not marked at the acceptable level. Ironically, working towards that review put further pressure on me, and I was still struggling in juggling all the tasks.

In June, I failed my specialty exam by FOUR MARKS. Only 28% of the regs that took the exam passed it. What kind of exam process is that?! My therapist sees it as I was therefore top 30%…. But it still means re-sitting the exam and everything that entails.

But I have not had any alcohol in 1 year 3 weeks. Which I never would’ve thought I could do. But instead I’ve replaced it with Ben & Jerrys – IT’S TOO DAMN GOOD.

And also, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Which was startling and unexpected and a whole other topic to consider. And just no wonder I was struggling – it all really fits. But the first medication I tried horribly exacerbated my acne.

And then my aunt died whilst we were on holiday. And that was so much more stress and difficult family dynamics than I really wished to have. Especially as I was already crumbling.

But my exam resit has been postponed. My next review has been delayed to the summer. I want to focus on me again. Sleep, healthy eating, exercise, being organised. The simple things.

And I need to learn to do it all with a broken brain. I’m also now a Swiftie. But that’s definitely a story for another time.

Let’s do this. I have to. This has to be the beginning of being better.

I can do this with a broken brain, broken sleep, broken diet, broken fitness; I will put me back together again.

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A month flew by – starting again

Oh dear, it has been a while since I’ve posted. I will try to be more regular with my posts (in my head my therapist is telling me to stop giving my self to much “to-dos”… but this is something I really want to do..).

To be honest, I’ve not been very good.

I started well after my previous posts. I just focused on looking after myself a bit more, eating less junk in general. And then I introduced some exercise. And I actually lost 3 pounds by the 2nd week (one day I will make a graph – and link it here). But overall, my mental health and general energy levels weren’t great- and haven’t been good for a long time. In discussion with my own therapist and GP, we decided to change me to a different anti-depressant.

Not gonna lie, the transition has been pretty rough. In retrospect it was pretty badly timed. The new doctors start in the NHS on the first Wednesday in August. That’s a lot more stress and work added to an already busy and stressful job. And then I went to a family wedding, involving a flight back to Belfast. Where the airline managed to completely mess up and tagged my bag with the wrong name and flight. No surprises, I did not have my bag to go to the wedding. So Mum and I had to run about on a mad shopping spree (I hate shopping at the best of times). But we missed the ceremony.

It was all exhausting. Whether the medication change was a coincidence or not, who knows. But this week I have just focused on sleeping. Expecting nothing else of myself but sleep. Coming home from work, sitting on the sofa, watching TV (I’ve re-discovered Glow-Up, the reality show in pursuit of Britain’s next Make-up artist. And. I LOVE. IT.), and eating what I wanted. Because I did not have the mental capacity to find a way to persuade myself not to eat it all. But with going to bed at 8pm each night (still not sleeping great overall, but better to at least go to bed early), and I think my body slowly getting used to the new med, I have began to feel a bit more human.

 The weekend off also helped – I had 15 hours of sleep (broken, but hey) and then went to a lovely orchestral concert on movie soundtracks such as Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. I LOVED IT. I used to the play the flute in a brass band as a teenager, in the “Belfast School of Music Concert Band” (how fancccy). I played pieces such as “The Fellowship” and the Star Wars main tunes. The nostalgia was incredible, and I was smiling throughout the whole thing. Made me want to go and dig out my flute- it’s in one of these cupboards somewhere… but maybe I’ll just put that at the bottom of the To-Do list for now..

In reflection after the concert, I need to remember how to be me. When I was a teenager in school, I played my musical instruments, participated in multiple sports, succeeded academically, and still had time for video games – without hating it all. In reflection, I was always stressed and I did have a lot of anxiety. So maybe doing it all wasn’t the best overall for me. But it has led to me having an interest and passion in a lot of different things, and I need to re-kindle those interests in a balanced and healthy way. Instead of lying on a sofa and stuffing myself with junk food. And don’t get me wrong – there’s definitely a time and a place for watching a good film or TV series, in fact I have loads to watch. But in a way that is the right thing for me and good for me, not just a way to shut life out and feed myself happy hormones through lots (and lots and lots) of junk food.

In good news though, no alcohol! Not a drop. Even given all the stresses: a hen do, a wedding, and lost baggage (and shopping!!). 1 month, 1 week. And I am so very proud of that.

So I start again – try to have a bit more control. Little and often. Eat less, move more. But I believe that is the reality of weight loss – it will never be a straight line and there will be less good times than others. It’s just about keeping going and finding out what works over all. And I’m back on the horse, for now. Let’s see how it goes.