How to begin. How to begin?

I saw P!nk in concert last night. She is absolutely incredible. I have been a huge fan and loved her since I was a young teenager. She was my first gig at 13 years old.

This is my own photo. This crazy lady was this close above me and it was AMAZING.

I was blown away by her show. Not only does she sing, but she PERFORMS; it is a show, the dancers, the lights, the acrobatics. She does the show – she blasts her lungs whilst hanging upside down, and never misses a note. And she does it all with this incredible down-to-earth, makes you laugh, heart-warming personality that touches me at my core. It was my 7^th time seeing her and, as always, I have come away feeling inspired and motivated. But I think something more this time: I cried at the end of her performance. I have been in a bad place over the past wee while. And I really don’t want to be there any more. And the reality is: only I can get me out of there.

“So when it hits, don’ts forget as scary as it get; It’s just turbulence”. Turbulence

“Tell me are you just getting by… You gotta get up and try, try, try.” Try.

“I am here. I’ve already hit the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear.” I Am Here.

“You had a shit day, we had a shit day…. I think I’ve had enough of this.” Blow Me One Last Kiss

“Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead.” F**king Perfect.

But now, today, a day of action. (although we did drive back 3 hours after the gig, and as a result I slept in til 3pm… so not much of the day left.) And I want to start. But I also want to do it all. And I do not know where to start.

This is my head right now (being honest): right. Get going. Get washed? Wash face. I’m going to do things today – I’m motivated by P!nk. Oh I should put up those P!nk photos/videos. Scrolled on Instagram a long time. Oh, I should write in my blog and record this. I should tidy the kitchen first. I should start my bullet journal to mark this and the things I do. My desk(S) are a mess. Tidy first. I should exercise. I want to nap. Oh but long periods of sedentary time are causing muscle pains. I defo should stretch. And physio. And I need to learn. Make a timetable for learning? Should answer those emails. What about dinner? I have chocolate about the house, I should eat that for energy. But aren’t I meant to be eating well now? But it’s in the house. I should hydrate first. It’s sunny; I should really be outside. Oh crap I need to water my plants.…. And on, and on, and on.

This burst of wanting to be better, to be the best me now does not get rid of all the disorganisation and bad habits I have generated over decades of poor behaviours.

What will be key will be consistency. Constantly trying to improve. It won’t be better tomorrow.

Right, so, I think I forget that. I just wake up everyday remembering all the bad things I haven’t done yet and all the failures. So I need good reminders, and ways to show the consistent doing of those Little Concentrated Efforts for Positive Lifestyle Changes.

OK, so blog entry done. I hope to be more consistent with this and my journey, and my progress, and my learning along the way.

The Instagram (@thepmaway) should follow that too – I shall post something today (this also makes me really nervous – sharing so much, especially with people who will know me. But I want my suffering to hopefully one day be helpful to others in the future. So it has to start somewhere. But also, if it goes nowhere, it will just keep me present in my moments, and my days. But maybe more on that later.)

And the bullet journal. I enjoy my nice stationary and pens and colouring in. And it is a way, that at the end of the day, end of the week, I can look back at what I have done. And see those goals for tomorrow and the future, and hope that continues my drive. Please?

That kitchen that needs tidied? It’s been there how long, that’s for tomorrow. I bet if I do it now, tomorrow I’ll just forget I’ve done it, that it was something that bothered me. But doing my journals now, tomorrow I can write I did it. I will colour in that box. I will remember it was a task and I shall be proud I got up off my ass and did it. So I need to do that first. After all, what’s the point of doing something if I don’t get that reward? Just keep feeding that positive attitude, right?

OK, lets do this.

Little Concentrated Efforts for Positive Lifestyle Changes.

I haven’t been good for a while. Lots of work stress, eating all the crap, minimal exercise and poor mental health. Which has all resulted in a quite crap physical and mental me.

So it begins again. Yes, we’re back here.

I’m considering tomorrow “D-day”. Lets see what I can do to be better. But the thing is, I’m still exhausted, the flat is a mess and I have very little in to eat. And I cannot be bothered to go out and do a shop.

So whilst I “start” tomorrow. It’s not like suddenly everything is just going to just CHANGE tomorrow. Whilst I might be a bit motivated now – I want to be thinner, I want to feel better about myself, I want, I want, I want… I know that even within the hour that will change. And tomorrow I will likely still wake up and want chocolate, and wish I didn’t have to go to work, and I’ll still likely hit the snooze button a million times.

But I want to start to change. And that probably even starts a bit now. Right now, I am tired and grumpy, but my head is FULL of SO MANY things I need to do to “just start”. And the reality is they all won’t happen.

So what I need to do – what is my plan: Little Concentrated Efforts of Positive Lifestyle Changes. I am thinking of the future. I’m not happy now – but sitting on the sofa eating excessive amounts of junk food won’t produce a good tomorrow. And I am not going to be in able to run a marathon tomorrow, nor eat just salad all day.

So change the little things. What can I do in each moment that will be better for tomorrow. I will still have junk food today – I’m craving it, I have it in. But I’ll have less than yesterday. I will recognise and prioritise 2 things that need to be done today. Each time, each moment – what’s best for looking after me? What if you weren’t alone and were with a group, what would be happening? (I look after myself much better when in front of people – I’ll stick to schedules in respect for them, keep things tidier, eat less junk so they don’t judge me).

Like tomorrow. I will set the alarms in anticipation that I will snooze – why would I think that would change overnight? And expecting myself to just “Get up” and meet an earlier timetable – that just sets me up to fail, and produce a negative backlash on myself. Why do that to myself?

Get up as normal. But instead of listening to the craving of chocolate, just go have my breakfast. The somewhat healthier breakfast I can make with the stuff I have in – it’s better than chocolate biscuits for breakfast.

And the day shall go on. Each moment hopefully just thinking how I can avoid the lazy, stuffing my face with sugar option – and do something a little bit better. And overall I hope that will produce results.

In the future, I hope to my journal setup. I want to have planned meals and an exercise routine. I will have work revision built into my week, so it is not something continually hanging over me.

But for now: focus on making me a better version of the right now me. Make each day better. Then hope the week was better – and not the BEST. Just better. There will still be the occasional chocolate bar. And I can’t be productive 24/7 – I need to have some evenings just relaxing, that’s important too. And maybe I’ll miss a run sometimes. But that’s OK. Just, aim for it to be better.

I’m giving myself a kind of 12-week check point. The changes and results won’t be immediate and obvious. If I can keep it up, hopefully I’ll see things change a bit in 8/12 weeks. The end of the month is always a good time to stop and reflect and see how things have gone, or what can change to make things a bit better the next month. What are typical obstacles, how can I overcome them?

I’m really hoping for some change. Nothing magical. Just a bit lighter, a bit fitter, a bit happier. And then I can start looking at the proper information behind nutrition and health, etc, that I really want to get into for this blog. But I can’t do the extra stuff, if I’m just not looking after myself. That has to come first.

The PMA Way: Positive Mental Attitude. Little Concentrated Efforts for Positive Lifestyle Changes. Each day, choosing the slightly better option when I can. Hopefully, overall, those little things will add up. Lets find out.

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A month flew by – starting again

Oh dear, it has been a while since I’ve posted. I will try to be more regular with my posts (in my head my therapist is telling me to stop giving my self to much “to-dos”… but this is something I really want to do..).

To be honest, I’ve not been very good.

I started well after my previous posts. I just focused on looking after myself a bit more, eating less junk in general. And then I introduced some exercise. And I actually lost 3 pounds by the 2^nd week (one day I will make a graph – and link it here). But overall, my mental health and general energy levels weren’t great- and haven’t been good for a long time. In discussion with my own therapist and GP, we decided to change me to a different anti-depressant.

Not gonna lie, the transition has been pretty rough. In retrospect it was pretty badly timed. The new doctors start in the NHS on the first Wednesday in August. That’s a lot more stress and work added to an already busy and stressful job. And then I went to a family wedding, involving a flight back to Belfast. Where the airline managed to completely mess up and tagged my bag with the wrong name and flight. No surprises, I did not have my bag to go to the wedding. So Mum and I had to run about on a mad shopping spree (I hate shopping at the best of times). But we missed the ceremony.

It was all exhausting. Whether the medication change was a coincidence or not, who knows. But this week I have just focused on sleeping. Expecting nothing else of myself but sleep. Coming home from work, sitting on the sofa, watching TV (I’ve re-discovered Glow-Up, the reality show in pursuit of Britain’s next Make-up artist. And. I LOVE. IT.), and eating what I wanted. Because I did not have the mental capacity to find a way to persuade myself not to eat it all. But with going to bed at 8pm each night (still not sleeping great overall, but better to at least go to bed early), and I think my body slowly getting used to the new med, I have began to feel a bit more human.

The weekend off also helped – I had 15 hours of sleep (broken, but hey) and then went to a lovely orchestral concert on movie soundtracks such as Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. I LOVED IT. I used to the play the flute in a brass band as a teenager, in the “Belfast School of Music Concert Band” (how fancccy). I played pieces such as “The Fellowship” and the Star Wars main tunes. The nostalgia was incredible, and I was smiling throughout the whole thing. Made me want to go and dig out my flute- it’s in one of these cupboards somewhere… but maybe I’ll just put that at the bottom of the To-Do list for now..

In reflection after the concert, I need to remember how to be me. When I was a teenager in school, I played my musical instruments, participated in multiple sports, succeeded academically, and still had time for video games – without hating it all. In reflection, I was always stressed and I did have a lot of anxiety. So maybe doing it all wasn’t the best overall for me. But it has led to me having an interest and passion in a lot of different things, and I need to re-kindle those interests in a balanced and healthy way. Instead of lying on a sofa and stuffing myself with junk food. And don’t get me wrong – there’s definitely a time and a place for watching a good film or TV series, in fact I have loads to watch. But in a way that is the right thing for me and good for me, not just a way to shut life out and feed myself happy hormones through lots (and lots and lots) of junk food.

In good news though, no alcohol! Not a drop. Even given all the stresses: a hen do, a wedding, and lost baggage (and shopping!!). 1 month, 1 week. And I am so very proud of that.

So I start again – try to have a bit more control. Little and often. Eat less, move more. But I believe that is the reality of weight loss – it will never be a straight line and there will be less good times than others. It’s just about keeping going and finding out what works over all. And I’m back on the horse, for now. Let’s see how it goes.