How to begin. How to begin?

I saw P!nk in concert last night. She is absolutely incredible. I have been a huge fan and loved her since I was a young teenager. She was my first gig at 13 years old.

This is my own photo. This crazy lady was this close above me and it was AMAZING.

I was blown away by her show. Not only does she sing, but she PERFORMS; it is a show, the dancers, the lights, the acrobatics. She does the show – she blasts her lungs whilst hanging upside down, and never misses a note. And she does it all with this incredible down-to-earth, makes you laugh, heart-warming personality that touches me at my core. It was my 7^th time seeing her and, as always, I have come away feeling inspired and motivated. But I think something more this time: I cried at the end of her performance. I have been in a bad place over the past wee while. And I really don’t want to be there any more. And the reality is: only I can get me out of there.

“So when it hits, don’ts forget as scary as it get; It’s just turbulence”. Turbulence

“Tell me are you just getting by… You gotta get up and try, try, try.” Try.

“I am here. I’ve already hit the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear.” I Am Here.

“You had a shit day, we had a shit day…. I think I’ve had enough of this.” Blow Me One Last Kiss

“Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead.” F**king Perfect.

But now, today, a day of action. (although we did drive back 3 hours after the gig, and as a result I slept in til 3pm… so not much of the day left.) And I want to start. But I also want to do it all. And I do not know where to start.

This is my head right now (being honest): right. Get going. Get washed? Wash face. I’m going to do things today – I’m motivated by P!nk. Oh I should put up those P!nk photos/videos. Scrolled on Instagram a long time. Oh, I should write in my blog and record this. I should tidy the kitchen first. I should start my bullet journal to mark this and the things I do. My desk(S) are a mess. Tidy first. I should exercise. I want to nap. Oh but long periods of sedentary time are causing muscle pains. I defo should stretch. And physio. And I need to learn. Make a timetable for learning? Should answer those emails. What about dinner? I have chocolate about the house, I should eat that for energy. But aren’t I meant to be eating well now? But it’s in the house. I should hydrate first. It’s sunny; I should really be outside. Oh crap I need to water my plants.…. And on, and on, and on.

This burst of wanting to be better, to be the best me now does not get rid of all the disorganisation and bad habits I have generated over decades of poor behaviours.

What will be key will be consistency. Constantly trying to improve. It won’t be better tomorrow.

Right, so, I think I forget that. I just wake up everyday remembering all the bad things I haven’t done yet and all the failures. So I need good reminders, and ways to show the consistent doing of those Little Concentrated Efforts for Positive Lifestyle Changes.

OK, so blog entry done. I hope to be more consistent with this and my journey, and my progress, and my learning along the way.

The Instagram (@thepmaway) should follow that too – I shall post something today (this also makes me really nervous – sharing so much, especially with people who will know me. But I want my suffering to hopefully one day be helpful to others in the future. So it has to start somewhere. But also, if it goes nowhere, it will just keep me present in my moments, and my days. But maybe more on that later.)

And the bullet journal. I enjoy my nice stationary and pens and colouring in. And it is a way, that at the end of the day, end of the week, I can look back at what I have done. And see those goals for tomorrow and the future, and hope that continues my drive. Please?

That kitchen that needs tidied? It’s been there how long, that’s for tomorrow. I bet if I do it now, tomorrow I’ll just forget I’ve done it, that it was something that bothered me. But doing my journals now, tomorrow I can write I did it. I will colour in that box. I will remember it was a task and I shall be proud I got up off my ass and did it. So I need to do that first. After all, what’s the point of doing something if I don’t get that reward? Just keep feeding that positive attitude, right?

OK, lets do this.

Why do you over-eat?

I have been trying to be more positive. I am. But man is it hard work. This is not going to be an easy fix and turn around.

I am doing a lot if work with my therapist. A lot of my answers come down to more self-care, self-love, prioritising that, not being so hard on myself… but I don’t quite know how to do that. How does anybody know how to do that? So I’m living, learning, reflecting, changing – trying. And it’s still a work in progress.

I have restarted my basketball – and I love it. But my god, the fitness is baaad. And my muscles are just *tight* – masseuses are shocked at them. So again, I get told – relaxation, down time, stretching, reducing stress. Which all sounds familiar. There are themes emerging here. But yes, when whatever way I am now leading my life is clearly impacting on my mental and physical health (and not in the obvious ways) with repetitive themes… something has got to change. And I am listening.

So I am trying – journaling, talking, reflecting, resting. But still there are to-dos, and urgent things to deal with, and work portfolios to continue. So it’s how to get the balance – and I am definitely still the pupil. Any tips out there?

And the thing is, I am finding it very hard to control my eating when I feel stressed. Reaching for sugary, nice tasting food is what I do to lift me out of my funk, to make me feel better, to “give me energy”. It’s a habit. I go shopping for the ingredients for my home cooked meal for dinner tonight, and somehow I come out with two packets of cookies. And these are usually opened on the way home. Because even just planning the home-cooked meal and the grocery trip takes up mental energy and drive, and I am tireeeeddd. I’ve had more sleep recently than before, but I feel drained. I’m not yet on top of feeling good, and balanced and that the wants for the day would singularly drive me to do my day. Nope, I am in this hybrid of “I need to (and this then stresses me out)” versus “I want to and I shall(and I proceed)”. Does it ever get like that? Really?

My over-eating is a choice. But it is a habit formed to try and escape other bad emotions. I am trying to work this out, so that the drive is not so strong. I would love to for the need to have chocolate to just be happily replaced by reading a book. But unfortunately, I still feel there’s things I need to be doing. And that is my conflict. I need to learn to incorporate proper relaxing, down-time into my daily routine. And not something that evolves around treats. It’s completely foreign to me, but I am trying. Those bills can be left to be sorted out next week, not today.

Until then, my weight remains the same for the past few weeks. And right now I’m ok with that. I’m increasing my exercise to build stamina and strength, but slowly. I am really focusing on stretching and respecting my muscles, and not just demanding a lot of new hard work, with no time or effort given for recovery and growth. I have reduced take-aways and incorporated more home cooked foods and fruit/veg. It’s not amazing change, and there is a lot of snacking in-between. But it’s a start, and I hope, the building blocks for something better to come.

Featured

Christmas Is Over

PS. This was written on the 29th December.. I just didn’t even bother to post it…

“And so this is Christmas,

And what have we done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun.”
John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Christmas is over. And I did have a lovely Christmas – home with parents in a very quick turnaround before heading to work in 3 days. I finished nights, had a quick nap and got on a flight to Belfast. Nights were exhausting. The hospital is in crisis, and you’ve just got to keep ploughing along. Christmas was wonderful – a great time with family and friends. But very busy and rushing back to another full day on-call the next day.

I am just exhausted. When I get so busy I definitely stop trying to look after myself and turn to chocolate and sweet things to keep me going. And I definitely ate freely, gladly and without restriction. I pity anybody who tries to! It’s the holidays for a few days – it shouldn’t ruin the good work from before. If you limit it to a few days…

I was doing well. I was. I lost 7.5 pounds over 6 weeks, from the start of November (one day there will be a chart link showing my progress). I was in the groooove. I cooked home meals. I ate within my calories on normal days (which still included chocolate at times), but still had treat occasions. And I exercised – a lot. I made progress in my 5K time in December. I was so proud of that. I was very good at doing my daily bullet journal (I did miss a day or too, not gonna lie). I got through so much on my to-dos. I was doing, doing, doing. Getting ready for Christmas and trying to just get on-top of that damned to-do list. But in reflection, I to-did too much. There was little just watching TV. Or playing games – which makes me happy. I wasn’t great at making sure I got the right sleep. Sure some days I took a bath (mostly because of muscle pains) or made sure I got to bed at the time I needed to get the right amount of sleep. But it was just go, go, go. And I have sore tight muscles everywhere, and they were complaining. I was demanding exercise, without giving them the respected stretches and care they should’ve gotten in return for such hard work. Which didn’t make basketball fun anymore. And lets not even talk about work.

So I had a good Christmas. But now I am wrecked. And here I should write that I’m going to start all over again. “Let’s do this!” “New Year, New Me!”. But I can’t. I don’t know where to start. It’s noon on Friday 29^th Dec, and I am mouching on my sofa surrounded by a messy flat, and had Lindor chocolates for breakfast. And I have such a deep, pulsating headache that feels like a vice clamped over my head. There is a small little part of me that wants to do get up and plan and do. But she is shut up by the enormous headache and the need to just lie here and stay on this couch. Which annoys me further, and the cycle continues.

I have lost the motivation. And how do you get it back? What does it mean? Do I go gung-ho again, and wipe myself out again? Doomed to keep repeating this cycle?

I think it means I am human. We have to listen to our bodies and mind and soul, and do what is right for yourself. And I really haven’t figured that out. It’s definitely not something they teach at medical school. I need to reflect on what is important to me. And those need be the priority each day, regardless of what else is going on. I have never done that, and I think that is why I keep feeling so unhappy and dissatisfied. And then maybe, the rest will fall into place.

But I’m not even going to pretend to start doing that today. I’ll just keep contemplating it and what it means for now. Today is a rest day. Sometimes, that is what you need. Maybe I’ll start small with tidying up some rubbish. Drink some water. Maybe have a bath later. I will most definitely order a pizza. And hope this headache clears – ice cream is good for that, right?