I can do it with a Broken Brain?

Life got tough (..er) for a while.

I am at my heaviest weight ever.

I can’t do it anymore like this.

I cannot live a life fuelled by sugar, caffeine, unhappiness and the belief that “tomorrow I’ll do better”.

It has to happen TODAY. Right now. This time, not later. What am I doing for me right now?

I can’t live with being stressed all the time. All the to-dos. I am TIRED of having so much to do. I DONE with then never doing it. And this constant vicious negative cycle in which I never rest but am not productive, and all the stress and self-hatred that comes with that way of living.

I want peace. I need to protect my peace, whilst getting *some* shit done.

I am sick of being late. Of being untidy. Of being unhealthy. Of being so ooverweight. Of being unfit. Disorganised. Stressed at work. Low-self esteem. Continual Exhaustion – procrastinating and never going to bed on-time (WHYYY I AM SO SICK OF IT). Procrastinating and stimming with damaging bad habits – and all the while, stressing about all the important things I should be doing. Panic packing my bag for travelling, close to missing transport, and being so annoyed I’ve left it all last minute AGAIN. Wishing I was someone else.

But I can do this. I will do this. I can be better.

It’s been a year since I’ve written here. I was in the midst of extended time in training, facing the next review to prove I had the potential to be the dependable, competent, team-working registrar – and all the extra work that comes with that (but that’s work “monitoring my progression”). I “passed” the review – but still not marked at the acceptable level. Ironically, working towards that review put further pressure on me, and I was still struggling in juggling all the tasks.

In June, I failed my specialty exam by FOUR MARKS. Only 28% of the regs that took the exam passed it. What kind of exam process is that?! My therapist sees it as I was therefore top 30%…. But it still means re-sitting the exam and everything that entails.

But I have not had any alcohol in 1 year 3 weeks. Which I never would’ve thought I could do. But instead I’ve replaced it with Ben & Jerrys – IT’S TOO DAMN GOOD.

And also, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Which was startling and unexpected and a whole other topic to consider. And just no wonder I was struggling – it all really fits. But the first medication I tried horribly exacerbated my acne.

And then my aunt died whilst we were on holiday. And that was so much more stress and difficult family dynamics than I really wished to have. Especially as I was already crumbling.

But my exam resit has been postponed. My next review has been delayed to the summer. I want to focus on me again. Sleep, healthy eating, exercise, being organised. The simple things.

And I need to learn to do it all with a broken brain. I’m also now a Swiftie. But that’s definitely a story for another time.

Let’s do this. I have to. This has to be the beginning of being better.

I can do this with a broken brain, broken sleep, broken diet, broken fitness; I will put me back together again.

How to begin. How to begin?

I saw P!nk in concert last night. She is absolutely incredible. I have been a huge fan and loved her since I was a young teenager. She was my first gig at 13 years old.

This is my own photo. This crazy lady was this close above me and it was AMAZING.

I was blown away by her show. Not only does she sing, but she PERFORMS; it is a show, the dancers, the lights, the acrobatics. She does the show – she blasts her lungs whilst hanging upside down, and never misses a note. And she does it all with this incredible down-to-earth, makes you laugh, heart-warming personality that touches me at my core. It was my 7^th time seeing her and, as always, I have come away feeling inspired and motivated. But I think something more this time: I cried at the end of her performance. I have been in a bad place over the past wee while. And I really don’t want to be there any more. And the reality is: only I can get me out of there.

“So when it hits, don’ts forget as scary as it get; It’s just turbulence”. Turbulence

“Tell me are you just getting by… You gotta get up and try, try, try.” Try.

“I am here. I’ve already hit the bottom, so there’s nothing to fear.” I Am Here.

“You had a shit day, we had a shit day…. I think I’ve had enough of this.” Blow Me One Last Kiss

“Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead.” F**king Perfect.

But now, today, a day of action. (although we did drive back 3 hours after the gig, and as a result I slept in til 3pm… so not much of the day left.) And I want to start. But I also want to do it all. And I do not know where to start.

This is my head right now (being honest): right. Get going. Get washed? Wash face. I’m going to do things today – I’m motivated by P!nk. Oh I should put up those P!nk photos/videos. Scrolled on Instagram a long time. Oh, I should write in my blog and record this. I should tidy the kitchen first. I should start my bullet journal to mark this and the things I do. My desk(S) are a mess. Tidy first. I should exercise. I want to nap. Oh but long periods of sedentary time are causing muscle pains. I defo should stretch. And physio. And I need to learn. Make a timetable for learning? Should answer those emails. What about dinner? I have chocolate about the house, I should eat that for energy. But aren’t I meant to be eating well now? But it’s in the house. I should hydrate first. It’s sunny; I should really be outside. Oh crap I need to water my plants.…. And on, and on, and on.

This burst of wanting to be better, to be the best me now does not get rid of all the disorganisation and bad habits I have generated over decades of poor behaviours.

What will be key will be consistency. Constantly trying to improve. It won’t be better tomorrow.

Right, so, I think I forget that. I just wake up everyday remembering all the bad things I haven’t done yet and all the failures. So I need good reminders, and ways to show the consistent doing of those Little Concentrated Efforts for Positive Lifestyle Changes.

OK, so blog entry done. I hope to be more consistent with this and my journey, and my progress, and my learning along the way.

The Instagram (@thepmaway) should follow that too – I shall post something today (this also makes me really nervous – sharing so much, especially with people who will know me. But I want my suffering to hopefully one day be helpful to others in the future. So it has to start somewhere. But also, if it goes nowhere, it will just keep me present in my moments, and my days. But maybe more on that later.)

And the bullet journal. I enjoy my nice stationary and pens and colouring in. And it is a way, that at the end of the day, end of the week, I can look back at what I have done. And see those goals for tomorrow and the future, and hope that continues my drive. Please?

That kitchen that needs tidied? It’s been there how long, that’s for tomorrow. I bet if I do it now, tomorrow I’ll just forget I’ve done it, that it was something that bothered me. But doing my journals now, tomorrow I can write I did it. I will colour in that box. I will remember it was a task and I shall be proud I got up off my ass and did it. So I need to do that first. After all, what’s the point of doing something if I don’t get that reward? Just keep feeding that positive attitude, right?

OK, lets do this.

Little Concentrated Efforts for Positive Lifestyle Changes.

I haven’t been good for a while. Lots of work stress, eating all the crap, minimal exercise and poor mental health. Which has all resulted in a quite crap physical and mental me.

So it begins again. Yes, we’re back here.

I’m considering tomorrow “D-day”. Lets see what I can do to be better. But the thing is, I’m still exhausted, the flat is a mess and I have very little in to eat. And I cannot be bothered to go out and do a shop.

So whilst I “start” tomorrow. It’s not like suddenly everything is just going to just CHANGE tomorrow. Whilst I might be a bit motivated now – I want to be thinner, I want to feel better about myself, I want, I want, I want… I know that even within the hour that will change. And tomorrow I will likely still wake up and want chocolate, and wish I didn’t have to go to work, and I’ll still likely hit the snooze button a million times.

But I want to start to change. And that probably even starts a bit now. Right now, I am tired and grumpy, but my head is FULL of SO MANY things I need to do to “just start”. And the reality is they all won’t happen.

So what I need to do – what is my plan: Little Concentrated Efforts of Positive Lifestyle Changes. I am thinking of the future. I’m not happy now – but sitting on the sofa eating excessive amounts of junk food won’t produce a good tomorrow. And I am not going to be in able to run a marathon tomorrow, nor eat just salad all day.

So change the little things. What can I do in each moment that will be better for tomorrow. I will still have junk food today – I’m craving it, I have it in. But I’ll have less than yesterday. I will recognise and prioritise 2 things that need to be done today. Each time, each moment – what’s best for looking after me? What if you weren’t alone and were with a group, what would be happening? (I look after myself much better when in front of people – I’ll stick to schedules in respect for them, keep things tidier, eat less junk so they don’t judge me).

Like tomorrow. I will set the alarms in anticipation that I will snooze – why would I think that would change overnight? And expecting myself to just “Get up” and meet an earlier timetable – that just sets me up to fail, and produce a negative backlash on myself. Why do that to myself?

Get up as normal. But instead of listening to the craving of chocolate, just go have my breakfast. The somewhat healthier breakfast I can make with the stuff I have in – it’s better than chocolate biscuits for breakfast.

And the day shall go on. Each moment hopefully just thinking how I can avoid the lazy, stuffing my face with sugar option – and do something a little bit better. And overall I hope that will produce results.

In the future, I hope to my journal setup. I want to have planned meals and an exercise routine. I will have work revision built into my week, so it is not something continually hanging over me.

But for now: focus on making me a better version of the right now me. Make each day better. Then hope the week was better – and not the BEST. Just better. There will still be the occasional chocolate bar. And I can’t be productive 24/7 – I need to have some evenings just relaxing, that’s important too. And maybe I’ll miss a run sometimes. But that’s OK. Just, aim for it to be better.

I’m giving myself a kind of 12-week check point. The changes and results won’t be immediate and obvious. If I can keep it up, hopefully I’ll see things change a bit in 8/12 weeks. The end of the month is always a good time to stop and reflect and see how things have gone, or what can change to make things a bit better the next month. What are typical obstacles, how can I overcome them?

I’m really hoping for some change. Nothing magical. Just a bit lighter, a bit fitter, a bit happier. And then I can start looking at the proper information behind nutrition and health, etc, that I really want to get into for this blog. But I can’t do the extra stuff, if I’m just not looking after myself. That has to come first.

The PMA Way: Positive Mental Attitude. Little Concentrated Efforts for Positive Lifestyle Changes. Each day, choosing the slightly better option when I can. Hopefully, overall, those little things will add up. Lets find out.

Count Your Calories

I have made some progress. Taking that pressure off and just focusing on how to make me overall a bit better, in general, not “I-must-lose-weight-now” has helped. It hasn’t been miraculous, nor a straight line of improvement – but overall: better.

So now, I move onto my next step. I’m in that bit-better of a headspace that I want to improve my eating habits. I’m ready for that.

Count your calories – I believe this to be a key to weight-loss. I can’t cite any scientific evidence to support this methodology. [Not yet, I will research this properly in the future.] But I feel this has to help in weight loss. Weight loss *should* be simple. My understanding is: Calories in -> calories are used in the energy we use (to move, breathe, do any bodily function. Therefore: excess calories = excess energy, which in turn is converted into and gets stored as fat.

However, even as I write that, I’m thinking there’s so much more to it. There are types of food, and different ways of metabolism and storage, and different movement requirements, and – and – and…. Even as a doctor, and a doctor in Endocrinology, it’s so complex. And there are no clear guidelines that we have been taught about this. I believe it’s being integrated more into curriculum nowadays – lifestyle and nutrition medicine (I would’ve *loved* more education on this). And that is the planned purpose of this blog – to really want to look into what, if any, evidence and guidance there is. And also to compare it to all of those Instagram fads out there (what is their evidence for all their claims?).

But right now, let’s keep this simple. Count your calories.

And in this day and age – it’s much easier to do. I remember the days of my mum. She was an avid Weight Watchers attender (we are a family guilty of carrying a bit too much podge). We’re talking 20 odd years ago. For weight watchers, you kept to a daily about of “points” each day. BUT, these points were only found in little books. Food were categorised into generalised categories and words. It was difficult and tiresome to pour through these books to find out what your sandwich from the local deli equated to in their “points”.

These days, we have technology. And it’s so handy. There’s an incredible website – MyFitnessPal.com, and it helps you track your food intake. And nope, I am not in anyway affiliated or earning anything – I genuinely just recommend this for everybody to use. You can scan in the barcodes of *your food*. As you put items in, it remembers them for the future too – making it easier to record again. And most big brands or generic items (eg, an apple) can be found in their listed items. (I can go into all of this in a lot more detail later.) And of course, it has a handy app for all phone types.

But the key is – track your food. Understand how much you are eating. I think a good target is to try to loose 1 pound a week. The glorious thing is, MyFitnessPal.com will work this out for you. In creating an account with them, they ask for your details including your height, weight etc. They work out your “Basal Metabolic Rate” – ie, how many you approximately burn each day. (For those wanting to understand the maths here: One pound = 3500 calories Therefore to lose 1 pound a week, you need to have taken in 500 calories less than you have used each day.) Therefore, you use the app and track your food, and it shows how your food consumption will likely affect your weight. It also includes your recorded exercise (if linked to the app). It’s brilliant!

Possible negatives? I do know that some people find counting calories affects their view on food, and can worsened aspects such as eating disorders. As I will continue to say throughout this blog, everybody is different and everybody needs to find out what is right for them. Whilst I am discussing what I think may be best, I’m hoping it is generally good advice for the population. But everybody will likely need to adapt it to their own personal preference or needs.

Count your calories. This is simple thinking, but it’s a start. And no, it doesn’t mean changing your diet immediately tomorrow. This is a marathon, not a sprint. It’ll help make you aware of your intake, and where you can start to make small changes. Maybe you’ll be less likely to eat that whole large bag of crisps in the evening if you know it’ll add 800 calories to your day, especially if you did a work out that morning. Then you can progress to the bigger picture.

Again, to emphasise, this is just my personal feeling on things at this stage. Maybe as I delve into the research, I may find evidence supporting or contradicting this – and I will discuss this as I do. If you know of any sources on this – please do recommend. I want to read them!

So, for my journey. I shall begin to count my calories. And try to plan my days to consume what will help me lose weight. But, I shall have treats. I very much advocate for treat meals, or a day at the weekend – to give your head a break and also enjoy any social event when you’re eating out. But it needs to be considered how that overall affects your goals, and maybe reign it in a bit if it is too much in the end. But only time will tell with that. I think most should be able to have a treat day, and lose that pound a week.

Lets see how it goes.

You Choose

I wake up and I’m pessimistic for the day. I don’t want to get up. I’m sure there’s loads of things to be done; I should exercise; what will I eat – I want chocolate! It’s misery and woe and I drag myself to the kitchen.

It’s not meant to be like this. Yesterday I told myself today would be The Day. I was going to be optimistic and positive and start my resolutions with determination and vigour. But I guess I didn’t get the memo.

After a breakfast of scrolling through mindless screens, I went to the toilet. And without TMI, I did a BIG poo. It was painful and I was genuinely stressed by it. It felt like I birthed a child. And I felt SO much better after it. The thing is, I did that to myself. For nearly a week, I have sat and filled myself with crap. I did no exercise. There were no vegetables in sight. What you eat matters. It affects your health – physical and mental. I was renewed with promises and plans – I will be healthy! This is it!!

Within 30 minutes, I was back in my kitchen, planless and scrolling again.

You choose. Only you can change you. [this is excluding medical pathology which requires proper treatment!]. Your mindset, your drive. Your will to succeed. It has to come from within you somewhere. And the thing is, it’s not in the big moments. There needs to be a consistency and continual drive that underpins it all. Positivity. And this won’t come easily or quickly. If you’re like me, my past has been plagued with negative thoughts, lack of self-confidence and more recently hopelessness. This seems to be my baseline. This is what needs to change. I cannot expect to eat well and exercise regularly if I do not remember why I wanted to in the first place. I want to feel better – that is the goal. And it will come from little changes, continually. Not running the full marathon tomorrow, and then never again.

I was listening on the radio yesterday on my way to work. On it they were interviewing a guy whose podcast interviewed famous people and their tips to success. In the short span of time, it really struck something in me. One of the key things was having goals (there was a fancy term, but I can’t remember). Having that something, a long term goal, that reinforces what each day is about. (I’m going to find out who it was and get his book – I’ll write a review on the book when I do!)

PMA. My initials. But also – Positive Mental Attitude. And ultimately, beyond calories consumed and miles run and litres of water drank; I this may have a heavy influence on our health. Without it, I don’t feel motivated to cook the home meal, or go for that run I know I should do. And this won’t be easy, it’s not a quick app to install on your phone and be done. I’m not even sure how to do it, or have it. But I’ll work on it. I need it. And I will share my journey, the good and the bad, on my way to building and maintain my PMA – hopefully resulting in weight loss and happiness gained.

Featured

Christmas Is Over

PS. This was written on the 29th December.. I just didn’t even bother to post it…

“And so this is Christmas,

And what have we done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun.”
John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Christmas is over. And I did have a lovely Christmas – home with parents in a very quick turnaround before heading to work in 3 days. I finished nights, had a quick nap and got on a flight to Belfast. Nights were exhausting. The hospital is in crisis, and you’ve just got to keep ploughing along. Christmas was wonderful – a great time with family and friends. But very busy and rushing back to another full day on-call the next day.

I am just exhausted. When I get so busy I definitely stop trying to look after myself and turn to chocolate and sweet things to keep me going. And I definitely ate freely, gladly and without restriction. I pity anybody who tries to! It’s the holidays for a few days – it shouldn’t ruin the good work from before. If you limit it to a few days…

I was doing well. I was. I lost 7.5 pounds over 6 weeks, from the start of November (one day there will be a chart link showing my progress). I was in the groooove. I cooked home meals. I ate within my calories on normal days (which still included chocolate at times), but still had treat occasions. And I exercised – a lot. I made progress in my 5K time in December. I was so proud of that. I was very good at doing my daily bullet journal (I did miss a day or too, not gonna lie). I got through so much on my to-dos. I was doing, doing, doing. Getting ready for Christmas and trying to just get on-top of that damned to-do list. But in reflection, I to-did too much. There was little just watching TV. Or playing games – which makes me happy. I wasn’t great at making sure I got the right sleep. Sure some days I took a bath (mostly because of muscle pains) or made sure I got to bed at the time I needed to get the right amount of sleep. But it was just go, go, go. And I have sore tight muscles everywhere, and they were complaining. I was demanding exercise, without giving them the respected stretches and care they should’ve gotten in return for such hard work. Which didn’t make basketball fun anymore. And lets not even talk about work.

So I had a good Christmas. But now I am wrecked. And here I should write that I’m going to start all over again. “Let’s do this!” “New Year, New Me!”. But I can’t. I don’t know where to start. It’s noon on Friday 29^th Dec, and I am mouching on my sofa surrounded by a messy flat, and had Lindor chocolates for breakfast. And I have such a deep, pulsating headache that feels like a vice clamped over my head. There is a small little part of me that wants to do get up and plan and do. But she is shut up by the enormous headache and the need to just lie here and stay on this couch. Which annoys me further, and the cycle continues.

I have lost the motivation. And how do you get it back? What does it mean? Do I go gung-ho again, and wipe myself out again? Doomed to keep repeating this cycle?

I think it means I am human. We have to listen to our bodies and mind and soul, and do what is right for yourself. And I really haven’t figured that out. It’s definitely not something they teach at medical school. I need to reflect on what is important to me. And those need be the priority each day, regardless of what else is going on. I have never done that, and I think that is why I keep feeling so unhappy and dissatisfied. And then maybe, the rest will fall into place.

But I’m not even going to pretend to start doing that today. I’ll just keep contemplating it and what it means for now. Today is a rest day. Sometimes, that is what you need. Maybe I’ll start small with tidying up some rubbish. Drink some water. Maybe have a bath later. I will most definitely order a pizza. And hope this headache clears – ice cream is good for that, right?