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Christmas Is Over

PS. This was written on the 29th December.. I just didn’t even bother to post it…

“And so this is Christmas,

And what have we done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun.”
John Lennon and Yoko Ono

Christmas is over. And I did have a lovely Christmas – home with parents in a very quick turnaround before heading to work in 3 days. I finished nights, had a quick nap and got on a flight to Belfast. Nights were exhausting. The hospital is in crisis, and you’ve just got to keep ploughing along. Christmas was wonderful – a great time with family and friends. But very busy and rushing back to another full day on-call the next day.

I am just exhausted. When I get so busy I definitely stop trying to look after myself and turn to chocolate and sweet things to keep me going. And I definitely ate freely, gladly and without restriction. I pity anybody who tries to! It’s the holidays for a few days – it shouldn’t ruin the good work from before. If you limit it to a few days…

I was doing well. I was. I lost 7.5 pounds over 6 weeks, from the start of November (one day there will be a chart link showing my progress). I was in the groooove. I cooked home meals. I ate within my calories on normal days (which still included chocolate at times), but still had treat occasions. And I exercised – a lot. I made progress in my 5K time in December. I was so proud of that. I was very good at doing my daily bullet journal (I did miss a day or too, not gonna lie). I got through so much on my to-dos. I was doing, doing, doing. Getting ready for Christmas and trying to just get on-top of that damned to-do list. But in reflection, I to-did too much. There was little just watching TV. Or playing games – which makes me happy. I wasn’t great at making sure I got the right sleep. Sure some days I took a bath (mostly because of muscle pains) or made sure I got to bed at the time I needed to get the right amount of sleep. But it was just go, go, go. And I have sore tight muscles everywhere, and they were complaining. I was demanding exercise, without giving them the respected stretches and care they should’ve gotten in return for such hard work. Which didn’t make basketball fun anymore. And lets not even talk about work.

So I had a good Christmas. But now I am wrecked. And here I should write that I’m going to start all over again. “Let’s do this!” “New Year, New Me!”. But I can’t. I don’t know where to start. It’s noon on Friday 29^th Dec, and I am mouching on my sofa surrounded by a messy flat, and had Lindor chocolates for breakfast. And I have such a deep, pulsating headache that feels like a vice clamped over my head. There is a small little part of me that wants to do get up and plan and do. But she is shut up by the enormous headache and the need to just lie here and stay on this couch. Which annoys me further, and the cycle continues.

I have lost the motivation. And how do you get it back? What does it mean? Do I go gung-ho again, and wipe myself out again? Doomed to keep repeating this cycle?

I think it means I am human. We have to listen to our bodies and mind and soul, and do what is right for yourself. And I really haven’t figured that out. It’s definitely not something they teach at medical school. I need to reflect on what is important to me. And those need be the priority each day, regardless of what else is going on. I have never done that, and I think that is why I keep feeling so unhappy and dissatisfied. And then maybe, the rest will fall into place.

But I’m not even going to pretend to start doing that today. I’ll just keep contemplating it and what it means for now. Today is a rest day. Sometimes, that is what you need. Maybe I’ll start small with tidying up some rubbish. Drink some water. Maybe have a bath later. I will most definitely order a pizza. And hope this headache clears – ice cream is good for that, right?

Wish I wasn’t doing another “starting again” title

I can’t believe it’s been 2 months. Time has flowwwwn. It’s been incredibly busy – but then again, who isn’t busy these days?

September and October, and somehow half of November.

I was busy, I was stressed, and I wasn’t looking after myself (yes, yes, despite saying I would on previous posts… this is the theme of my life). I wasn’t drinking alcohol – so my go to chill in the evening after a stressful day was eating junk food. And I ate a lot of it. It would not be unusual to have a large bag of popcorn (Sweet Butterkist is sooo good…) and a full tub of Ben & Jerry’s Phish Food (my favourite). And probably more.

And then I would have guilt for that. So I would stress more. And the vicious cycle would continue.

I’ve always thought I’ve been told that it’s been shown that sugar has been proven to be addictive. I truly believe in emotional eating as an addictive behaviour. However, somebody told me recently that it’s not – there’s not any proven biochemical proof of addiction. So this will definitely be an area I am going to look into someday (one day the link will be – here – )

I did run an 8k in the Amsterdam TCS marathon festival. Amsterdam is such a great place. Had a fantastic time. And I ran it in 49mins, which I was truly surprised at – my training was very suboptimal (if we can even call it training..). But I am overjoyed at it, and motivated to keep running and keep my fitness. Although my friend did the half-marathon and she also was “undertrained”.. and then ran it in 1h 50… I can only dream to one day achieve that with all the preparation in the world!!

And then I got injured. The week after – survived basketball training fine. Two days later, warming up, went to do a sprint from standing and strained my calf muscle. Tried to a lay-up and it wasn’t having it. I was devastated. Such shit timing. Didn’t get to play at all, and then basically didn’t exercise for a while (which was not the right way to handle it… but see below…). So that really interfered with any training ideas I had been motivated to do.

Then, I fell off the sober wagon. I had achieved 3 months sober, I was so proud of me. But I hadn’t quite achieved any state of mental nirvana.. and with a stressful week, a sick patient experience which didn’t go very well, then a Halloween party (which I hosted) was too much to resist. To be fair, it did all start because I accidentally opened an actual alcoholic beer instead of the non-alcoholic beer of the same brand I had in the fridge. I was half way through before I realised. And then fun chaos with costumes and ripping things and mayhem… and shots were mentioned… and taken. It was a brilliant night… until I was up still up at 5am buzzing.

Thought I’d learnt my lesson (not a fun hangover), but a trip home, some family stresses, and attending a wedding with brilliant friends I only get to see when home, and the ex-partner in situ and the free wine at the reception ended up in my hands… Fast forward through many shots and excess alcohol, and yup, Pauline is still awake at 5am and more chaos ensued.

I am just tired of it. One drink opens me to a world of chaos. I need to look after me, to make sure the worlds stresses don’t lead to me giving into that one drink. And that will take a lot of work. And I really want to document that journey – regularly, truthfully, – in this blog.

And that will involve me trying to get fitter and healthier. That is a crucial part to me feeling better about myself. Not only does exercise make me feel much better mentally and physically, I will feel an overall better of myself if I am healthier and happier.

But that will not be easy, and I am not naïve to think it will be. I need a system and a method that I can stick with to make my world better. I can’t feel overwhelmed with trying to stick to rabbit foods or truly restrictive diets. Nor will I exercise 2 hours every day. This is unrealistic and unattainable. And goddam I need chocolate in my life.

So how to do it? What is the right way to make long term realistic manageable weight loss and stay sane? Even with my medical training, I’m still not entirely sure. But I have some ideas. And I really want to get into the research and see what really is out there. And I will share that with you all, hopefully in a way we can all understand. Hopefully, that will be the PMA Way. And I’m excited to truly get it going.

The first proper post

Written late on Friday 29th July 2022

Just start writing, Pauline.

That’s what my Mum told me – just start writing Pauline. Has told me for so long. I have talked about this blog for years. I’m sure my friends and family are sick of hearing about it. But I’ve always put it off – too busy (so damn fecking busy – studying or the flat or whatever work extra-curricular I’d taken on), too hungover or maybe afraid of this just being shit or afraid of exposing my true self, and being vulnerable to actual attack (and not just the crazy I make up in my head).

Last night, my last night shift of 4, was one of the worst I’ve had. I’m a doctor in the NHS; and it is in crisis. We are being worked to the bone. And still made to feel like shit, whilst working our asses off. And I have suffered. I am mentally and physically unwell as a result of the chronic stress of working and “training” under the NHS.

My shift last night was 9pm-9am. I started the shift being understaffed and then receiving insufficient handover to be able to start the shift efficiently. (I am not blaming the day team staff, I know they had an extremely busy shift and had worked their asses off and would’ve done all they could. I know at some stage you have to go home and you cannot tie everything up. I know, I have been there). I spent the first two hours trying to work out a bed crisis – which really sick elderly gentleman gets the last of the “high dependency” beds? And this is not a skill you are taught; you somehow pick it up, usually when suddenly it is your decision to make as the senior medical doctor on overnight. Over the course of the night, I had extremely unwell patients, family members yelling at me and threatening me with complaints over the previous teams communication, patients in the Emergency Department with 17 hour waits for beds, a long list of patients waiting to be seen, and having a sick young woman with a new malignancy and multiple complications, who now needed to be supported by the Intensive Care Unit. I had my first break at 7:15 am. That’s 10 hours non-stop and high acuity patients. And yet, my morning ended being grilled by a consultant about patients that another doctor (whom we had to borrow overnight because we were short) had clerked in. I felt wholly inadequate, done, and ashamed at the crap handover we gave. But I.had.not.stopped.for.10.hours. They don’t care. And it has left me done and feeling defeated.

There is an element that I should have better “resilience” and self-worth to not be so affected by the interaction with the consultant. But when you are exhausted, trying to please, trying to prove yourself and wanting to have done everything to the levels of excellence somehow expected of you, I was very much beating myself up. I did not, I do not, like being inadequate.

And so I have had enough. Enough of sacrificing myself to the ever turning cogs of a failing NHS. Because nobody else really cares about you. You can still give everything, beyond everything, and still not be enough. And only I am left with an unhappy me on the sofa at the end of the day (or night shift morning…).

I am obese. I am unfit. I have back pains. My muscles are sore and tight. Yet, ironically, I do love exercise. I am an endocrinology and diabetes registrar. I have an interest in metabolic physiology and weight loss. I know what I should be doing. But I am stressed. I am unhappy. I am exhausted and I am lost. I could not do what I knew was good for me, for so many years. So many others things took priority.

I want to be better. I also did not expect my blog to start as a rant about the shiteness of the NHS. I was hoping to tread lightly away from the political, professional and moral pitfall this could be. But, unfortunately, this had been a major contributor to my own illnesses and therefore a driving force behind needing to understand further a lot of the topics I will write about. I want to be healthier and happier. Like, I think, the rest of the population does as well. I hope you’ll join me on my journey.