Life got tough (..er) for a while.

I am at my heaviest weight ever.

I can’t do it anymore like this.

I cannot live a life fuelled by sugar, caffeine, unhappiness and the belief that “tomorrow I’ll do better”.

It has to happen TODAY. Right now. This time, not later. What am I doing for me right now?

I can’t live with being stressed all the time. All the to-dos. I am TIRED of having so much to do. I DONE with then never doing it. And this constant vicious negative cycle in which I never rest but am not productive, and all the stress and self-hatred that comes with that way of living.

I want peace. I need to protect my peace, whilst getting *some* shit done.

I am sick of being late. Of being untidy. Of being unhealthy. Of being so ooverweight. Of being unfit. Disorganised. Stressed at work. Low-self esteem. Continual Exhaustion – procrastinating and never going to bed on-time (WHYYY I AM SO SICK OF IT). Procrastinating and stimming with damaging bad habits – and all the while, stressing about all the important things I should be doing. Panic packing my bag for travelling, close to missing transport, and being so annoyed I’ve left it all last minute AGAIN. Wishing I was someone else.

But I can do this. I will do this. I can be better.

It’s been a year since I’ve written here. I was in the midst of extended time in training, facing the next review to prove I had the potential to be the dependable, competent, team-working registrar – and all the extra work that comes with that (but that’s work “monitoring my progression”). I “passed” the review – but still not marked at the acceptable level. Ironically, working towards that review put further pressure on me, and I was still struggling in juggling all the tasks.

In June, I failed my specialty exam by FOUR MARKS. Only 28% of the regs that took the exam passed it. What kind of exam process is that?! My therapist sees it as I was therefore top 30%…. But it still means re-sitting the exam and everything that entails.

But I have not had any alcohol in 1 year 3 weeks. Which I never would’ve thought I could do. But instead I’ve replaced it with Ben & Jerrys – IT’S TOO DAMN GOOD.

And also, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Which was startling and unexpected and a whole other topic to consider. And just no wonder I was struggling – it all really fits. But the first medication I tried horribly exacerbated my acne.

And then my aunt died whilst we were on holiday. And that was so much more stress and difficult family dynamics than I really wished to have. Especially as I was already crumbling.

But my exam resit has been postponed. My next review has been delayed to the summer. I want to focus on me again. Sleep, healthy eating, exercise, being organised. The simple things.

And I need to learn to do it all with a broken brain. I’m also now a Swiftie. But that’s definitely a story for another time.

Let’s do this. I have to. This has to be the beginning of being better.

I can do this with a broken brain, broken sleep, broken diet, broken fitness; I will put me back together again.