Tag: mental health

I can do it with a Broken Brain?

From Getty Images

Life got tough (..er) for a while.

I am at my heaviest weight ever.

I can’t do it anymore like this.

I cannot live a life fuelled by sugar, caffeine, unhappiness and the belief that “tomorrow I’ll do better”.

It has to happen TODAY. Right now. This time, not later. What am I doing for me right now?

I can’t live with being stressed all the time. All the to-dos. I am TIRED of having so much to do. I DONE with then never doing it. And this constant vicious negative cycle in which I never rest but am not productive, and all the stress and self-hatred that comes with that way of living.

I want peace. I need to protect my peace, whilst getting *some* shit done.

I am sick of being late. Of being untidy. Of being unhealthy. Of being so ooverweight. Of being unfit. Disorganised. Stressed at work. Low-self esteem. Continual Exhaustion – procrastinating and never going to bed on-time (WHYYY I AM SO SICK OF IT). Procrastinating and stimming with damaging bad habits – and all the while, stressing about all the important things I should be doing. Panic packing my bag for travelling, close to missing transport, and being so annoyed I’ve left it all last minute AGAIN. Wishing I was someone else.

But I can do this. I will do this. I can be better.

It’s been a year since I’ve written here. I was in the midst of extended time in training, facing the next review to prove I had the potential to be the dependable, competent, team-working registrar – and all the extra work that comes with that (but that’s work “monitoring my progression”). I “passed” the review – but still not marked at the acceptable level. Ironically, working towards that review put further pressure on me, and I was still struggling in juggling all the tasks.

In June, I failed my specialty exam by FOUR MARKS. Only 28% of the regs that took the exam passed it. What kind of exam process is that?! My therapist sees it as I was therefore top 30%…. But it still means re-sitting the exam and everything that entails.

But I have not had any alcohol in 1 year 3 weeks. Which I never would’ve thought I could do. But instead I’ve replaced it with Ben & Jerrys – IT’S TOO DAMN GOOD.

And also, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Which was startling and unexpected and a whole other topic to consider. And just no wonder I was struggling – it all really fits. But the first medication I tried horribly exacerbated my acne.

And then my aunt died whilst we were on holiday. And that was so much more stress and difficult family dynamics than I really wished to have. Especially as I was already crumbling.

But my exam resit has been postponed. My next review has been delayed to the summer. I want to focus on me again. Sleep, healthy eating, exercise, being organised. The simple things.

And I need to learn to do it all with a broken brain. I’m also now a Swiftie. But that’s definitely a story for another time.

Let’s do this. I have to. This has to be the beginning of being better.

I can do this with a broken brain, broken sleep, broken diet, broken fitness; I will put me back together again.

You Choose

I wake up and I’m pessimistic for the day. I don’t want to get up. I’m sure there’s loads of things to be done; I should exercise; what will I eat – I want chocolate! It’s misery and woe and I drag myself to the kitchen.

It’s not meant to be like this. Yesterday I told myself today would be The Day. I was going to be optimistic and positive and start my resolutions with determination and vigour. But I guess I didn’t get the memo.

After a breakfast of scrolling through mindless screens, I went to the toilet. And without TMI, I did a BIG poo. It was painful and I was genuinely stressed by it. It felt like I birthed a child. And I felt SO much better after it. The thing is, I did that to myself. For nearly a week, I have sat and filled myself with crap. I did no exercise. There were no vegetables in sight. What you eat matters. It affects your health – physical and mental. I was renewed with promises and plans – I will be healthy! This is it!!

Within 30 minutes, I was back in my kitchen, planless and scrolling again.

You choose. Only you can change you. [this is excluding medical pathology which requires proper treatment!]. Your mindset, your drive. Your will to succeed. It has to come from within you somewhere. And the thing is, it’s not in the big moments. There needs to be a consistency and continual drive that underpins it all. Positivity. And this won’t come easily or quickly. If you’re like me, my past has been plagued with negative thoughts, lack of self-confidence and more recently hopelessness. This seems to be my baseline. This is what needs to change. I cannot expect to eat well and exercise regularly  if I do not remember why I wanted to in the first place. I want to feel better – that is the goal. And it will come from little changes, continually. Not running the full marathon tomorrow, and then never again.

I was listening on the radio yesterday on my way to work. On it they were interviewing a guy whose podcast interviewed famous people and their tips to success. In the short span of time, it really struck something in me.  One of the key things was having goals (there was a fancy term, but I can’t remember). Having that something, a long term goal, that reinforces what each day is about. (I’m going to find out who it was and get his book – I’ll write a review on the book when I do!)

PMA. My initials. But also – Positive Mental Attitude. And ultimately, beyond calories consumed and miles run and litres of water drank; I this may have a heavy influence on our health. Without it, I don’t feel motivated to cook the home meal, or go for that run I know I should do. And this won’t be easy, it’s not a quick app to install on your phone and be done. I’m not even sure how to do it, or have it. But I’ll work on it. I need it. And I will share my journey, the good and the bad, on my way to building and maintain my PMA – hopefully resulting in weight loss and happiness gained.