This isn’t going to be a sophisticated (I could barely even spell sophisticated there… took many attempts.. *sigh*) post. This is a rant.
A rant about SUGAR.
About how it tastes so fucking good. But so fucking bad for us.
And with that I just mean calories and fat and weight gain and etc, from a general perspective. Because I do also know there is the complete anti-sugar lifestyle that is oh-so prominent in places like LA. Where it is the supposed devil. That any sugar is bad, and children are denied sweets and it’s madness (from my own un-researched perspective). And I want to look into those claims and understand that. But that’s taking it to the extremes.
But it’s also, eating all this sugar, all the time, it just can’t be good for the body. Apart from the obvious making you overweight etc, but just how it makes the body feel and be. I think we all know what that “junk hangover” feels like. The body just does not feel good. (Again something I definitely need to research into..)
But goddamm it is GOOD. How can you not have a treat once in a while??
And that’s my problem. I start and I DON’T STOP.
And it is INFURIATING. I love and HATE IT. Cause I eat an excessive amount. And it makes me feel so good as I eat it. But it is such a TEMPORARY good feeling. And then you want more to repeat the good feeling.
But inevitably there will be realisation that you’ve eaten too much. And (for me) the guilt sets in. And all the worry about how I’m meant to be eating good today. And I won’t be on target. And I’m such a disappointment. And I’m weak. Which just stresses me out. And causes me to be more unhappy and anxious and stressed.
And then I eat more.
I just came back from work, where I had gone to the shop in work (THE SHOP IN MY WORK SELLS ALL THE EASTER CHOCOLATE AND I HATE THAT I KNOW THIS AT ALL TIMES), and I had eaten a lot. “To give myself energy for the next few hours of the on-call”. And then all it did was make me more tired and bleugh. And then I was pissed-off at myself. And I’m still tired (I’m ALWAYS tired). So then I go to the petrol station on the way home, before my petrol is low. And before I know it, I’ve reached for treats “for tonight only”. And not just a single snack bar. Ohhh nooo. I get the big packs and/or the multi-offers. And now I feel sick and full. And again annoyed at myself. And tired.
AND THIS IS THE THIRD DAY IN A ROW I’VE DONE THIS.
Where does the motivation go? Why do I give in so easily? I know better. I know I do. I think it constantly. I can tell you “2+2=4”. But I have no idea where “2” is to found or how to keep it.
I’m tired. Mentally and physically tired of being on this roundabout.
I fought and gave up alcohol. 4 months sober. But I’ve replaced it with another addiction. I’ve just got to work out how to cut this out. Work it out of my day, my routine. My need.
I guess I’ve got to replace it with something else. The “good” that food gives me is temporary. What will make me happy in the long run? Can I make that more important to me and the quick buzz of chocolate?
I guess that’s the part I need to work out. Follow me through this journey.
The PMA Way 