I have been trying to be more positive. I am. But man is it hard work. This is not going to be an easy fix and turn around.
I am doing a lot if work with my therapist. A lot of my answers come down to more self-care, self-love, prioritising that, not being so hard on myself… but I don’t quite know how to do that. How does anybody know how to do that? So I’m living, learning, reflecting, changing – trying. And it’s still a work in progress.
I have restarted my basketball – and I love it. But my god, the fitness is baaad. And my muscles are just *tight* – masseuses are shocked at them. So again, I get told – relaxation, down time, stretching, reducing stress. Which all sounds familiar. There are themes emerging here. But yes, when whatever way I am now leading my life is clearly impacting on my mental and physical health (and not in the obvious ways) with repetitive themes… something has got to change. And I am listening.
So I am trying – journaling, talking, reflecting, resting. But still there are to-dos, and urgent things to deal with, and work portfolios to continue. So it’s how to get the balance – and I am definitely still the pupil. Any tips out there?
And the thing is, I am finding it very hard to control my eating when I feel stressed. Reaching for sugary, nice tasting food is what I do to lift me out of my funk, to make me feel better, to “give me energy”. It’s a habit. I go shopping for the ingredients for my home cooked meal for dinner tonight, and somehow I come out with two packets of cookies. And these are usually opened on the way home. Because even just planning the home-cooked meal and the grocery trip takes up mental energy and drive, and I am tireeeeddd. I’ve had more sleep recently than before, but I feel drained. I’m not yet on top of feeling good, and balanced and that the wants for the day would singularly drive me to do my day. Nope, I am in this hybrid of “I need to (and this then stresses me out)” versus “I want to and I shall(and I proceed)”. Does it ever get like that? Really?
My over-eating is a choice. But it is a habit formed to try and escape other bad emotions. I am trying to work this out, so that the drive is not so strong. I would love to for the need to have chocolate to just be happily replaced by reading a book. But unfortunately, I still feel there’s things I need to be doing. And that is my conflict. I need to learn to incorporate proper relaxing, down-time into my daily routine. And not something that evolves around treats. It’s completely foreign to me, but I am trying. Those bills can be left to be sorted out next week, not today.
Until then, my weight remains the same for the past few weeks. And right now I’m ok with that. I’m increasing my exercise to build stamina and strength, but slowly. I am really focusing on stretching and respecting my muscles, and not just demanding a lot of new hard work, with no time or effort given for recovery and growth. I have reduced take-aways and incorporated more home cooked foods and fruit/veg. It’s not amazing change, and there is a lot of snacking in-between. But it’s a start, and I hope, the building blocks for something better to come.
The PMA Way 