Oh dear, it has been a while since I’ve posted. I will try to be more regular with my posts (in my head my therapist is telling me to stop giving my self to much “to-dos”… but this is something I really want to do..).
To be honest, I’ve not been very good.
I started well after my previous posts. I just focused on looking after myself a bit more, eating less junk in general. And then I introduced some exercise. And I actually lost 3 pounds by the 2nd week (one day I will make a graph – and link it here). But overall, my mental health and general energy levels weren’t great- and haven’t been good for a long time. In discussion with my own therapist and GP, we decided to change me to a different anti-depressant.
Not gonna lie, the transition has been pretty rough. In retrospect it was pretty badly timed. The new doctors start in the NHS on the first Wednesday in August. That’s a lot more stress and work added to an already busy and stressful job. And then I went to a family wedding, involving a flight back to Belfast. Where the airline managed to completely mess up and tagged my bag with the wrong name and flight. No surprises, I did not have my bag to go to the wedding. So Mum and I had to run about on a mad shopping spree (I hate shopping at the best of times). But we missed the ceremony.
It was all exhausting. Whether the medication change was a coincidence or not, who knows. But this week I have just focused on sleeping. Expecting nothing else of myself but sleep. Coming home from work, sitting on the sofa, watching TV (I’ve re-discovered Glow-Up, the reality show in pursuit of Britain’s next Make-up artist. And. I LOVE. IT.), and eating what I wanted. Because I did not have the mental capacity to find a way to persuade myself not to eat it all. But with going to bed at 8pm each night (still not sleeping great overall, but better to at least go to bed early), and I think my body slowly getting used to the new med, I have began to feel a bit more human.
The weekend off also helped – I had 15 hours of sleep (broken, but hey) and then went to a lovely orchestral concert on movie soundtracks such as Lord of the Rings, Star Wars, Pirates of the Caribbean, etc. I LOVED IT. I used to the play the flute in a brass band as a teenager, in the “Belfast School of Music Concert Band” (how fancccy). I played pieces such as “The Fellowship” and the Star Wars main tunes. The nostalgia was incredible, and I was smiling throughout the whole thing. Made me want to go and dig out my flute- it’s in one of these cupboards somewhere… but maybe I’ll just put that at the bottom of the To-Do list for now..
In reflection after the concert, I need to remember how to be me. When I was a teenager in school, I played my musical instruments, participated in multiple sports, succeeded academically, and still had time for video games – without hating it all. In reflection, I was always stressed and I did have a lot of anxiety. So maybe doing it all wasn’t the best overall for me. But it has led to me having an interest and passion in a lot of different things, and I need to re-kindle those interests in a balanced and healthy way. Instead of lying on a sofa and stuffing myself with junk food. And don’t get me wrong – there’s definitely a time and a place for watching a good film or TV series, in fact I have loads to watch. But in a way that is the right thing for me and good for me, not just a way to shut life out and feed myself happy hormones through lots (and lots and lots) of junk food.
In good news though, no alcohol! Not a drop. Even given all the stresses: a hen do, a wedding, and lost baggage (and shopping!!). 1 month, 1 week. And I am so very proud of that.
So I start again – try to have a bit more control. Little and often. Eat less, move more. But I believe that is the reality of weight loss – it will never be a straight line and there will be less good times than others. It’s just about keeping going and finding out what works over all. And I’m back on the horse, for now. Let’s see how it goes.
The PMA Way 